Being too much and not enough
Cue Tolerate It by Taylor Swift
I always feel like I can only write a post once I have some great epiphany or emotional breakthrough I can share. But honestly, that doesn’t happen often. Most of the time I have to sit with my silly emotions and let them linger. When I first started this substack I didn’t think it would be a place to get emotional…I mostly thought it would be a place to talk about anything other than my emotions. But in all fairness, the only way I can figure things out is through writing.
With that being said the gist of today's post is going to be a little extra emotional and I hope you find yourself within it and maybe find a little bit of peace…
Since I do everything in my power to escape any of my innermost thoughts, I obviously turn to music and writing. The things I’ve been consuming recently had this ongoing message of being too much or not enough.
Here are said songs (TW: Sad white girl music) :
Basically, my entire life I’ve been categorized as being too much. Anytime I watch a movie, everyone turns to check if I’ve already started crying. I’ve always been incredibly emotional and feel things very deeply. Which I know isn't a complete fault but it can sometimes be a difficult quality to have. I’m obsessive by nature and struggle to like things at a “normal” level. And when I love, I love deeply. I will do anything I can for the people I care for.
Being too much has always had a negative connotation in my life. I was told that by being so emotional I would end up being weak. Told that having dreams that are too big will eventually leave me disappointed. I was shown that I won’t always mean as much to someone as they mean to me. I think because of this somehow along the way I learned to stray from being too much. I learned to keep my expectations low and settle for the bare minimum of anything. I told myself to lay low and be like everyone else.
As time went on though I realized I completely lost sight of what I liked. Through the endless people-pleasing and attempt to be like every other teenage girl, I became someone I don’t necessarily think I liked. I became someone who was enough for people who weren’t ever enough for me. This realization pushed me to make some changes. I slowly started to become me (whoever that is) again. I started listening to the music I enjoy, doing what I liked, and posting whatever I wanted. It changed my life because I’ve met people who like me, especially for all my obsessions.
As I mentioned though this isn’t something that I’ve automatically fixed and have all figured out. I’m working on it (thank you therapy!) I still have the fear of being too much, loving too much, or even wanting too much. I find it all kind of scary how big emotions get in my silly little brain. And especially scary how those emotions can lead to pain or disappointment.
I will say that once I started trying to accept myself fully for who I am. I started to have a little more hope. Hope that people who don’t find me to be too much will find me to be perfectly enough. It once again goes back to realizing that those people are out there.
And if that isn’t sufficient, I’ll leave with the wise words of Taylor Swift
“Living for the hope of it all”
Sometimes we just have to hope that things will work out. That we will meet our people and they will love us for all of us. Hope that our big dreams will come true. And hope that one day we will be someone’s first choice and not an afterthought.
Finally, we have to hope that someday our “too much” will be just right not for anyone else but ourselves.
Alway with love,
Xo, Monse
This is so beautiful!