It smells like Spring

Another day of existential pondering

Arguably one of the best feelings in the world is walking out of the front door and feeling the switch. When you feel the cool breeze hit your soft cheeks and the sun warming them back up. You hear the sound of the birds singing their sweet song. The faint smell of earthy rain and fir hit your nose. You feel the change. Suddenly things don’t seem as daunting as they once were because Spring is about to return.

I think the best part is that you never know when it’s going to hit you. When the winter blues will go away. When you can sense Spring around the corner. 

I’m not a very spontaneous person. My weeks look more or less the same. I follow my same routines. Carefully plan out my day with a to-do list the night before (or at least I try to). I make big deals out of going someplace new. 

On Tuesday I decided to get coffee after running an errand on a side of town I'm not usually around. I naturally went through the inner battle of deciding whether I should be responsible and make a coffee at home or pay and over-tip for one at a snazzy coffee shop. I, being the girl that I am, chose the latter.

I walk in through the side entrance of the shop, greeted by the scent of spicy cinnamon and bitter espresso. Also greeted by a sweet barista. As someone who has worked multiple jobs in the service industry, I know what it’s like to be working your first few shifts. You either talk way too much or utter the least amount of words possible. The barista had sandy blonde hair and wispy curtain bangs.

If there is one social trap I’ll always fall into it’s the sweet chatty barista. I order my usual coffee shop order of a cold brew with oat milk. This place is connected to a restaurant and is notoriously known for its sweet treats. I order a scone as well and get lured into buying a slice of tiramisu (that I share with my parents after dinner later that day). My weakness is that I can’t say no to a sweet treat or to almost anything for that matter (call the people-pleasing police). I end up leaving the coffee shop twenty dollars poorer and with hands full. 

I never mind time by myself. I’ve learned to appreciate it and even crave it. Usually, though time by myself includes either a book or a big pair of noise-cancelling headphones. Today I had no headphones just a journal and a book. The sun was beaming and the air was warmer than it has been so far. Instead of heading home to watch an episode of Schitts Creek and sip on my coffee, I decided to walk towards the various picnic tables outside the shop.

I set my stuff down look up at the sky. Feel the sun shine on my face, and look down almost immediately remembering I forgot to put on sunscreen. Breathing in the fresh earthy air I pull out my journal. I write what I see and what I feel and I realize something. 

First, today (February 27th) is my half-birthday…

But most importantly how beautiful the world is. I often take it for granted. The small little moments. The fact that I’m able to buy a slightly overpriced coffee and stare at the sun. That I’m so small in the grand scheme of things. I’m merely just a person out of millions. I’m like a spec of dust seen from the sky. Everything can mean nothing and everything at the same time. 

I realize I have time. 

I sit there looking at the girl sitting on the table next to me in her bright blue scrubs. The girl walking towards the table by the creek. I think how beautiful it is to simply exist. How lucky I am to be safe. To be surrounded by nature. To buy an Italian dessert and share it later with the people I love most in this world.

To have people in my life who I love and love me back. 

On days like this, I think maybe everything will work out. Maybe I’ll make it out of here. Maybe I’ll stay. But if the rest of my days feel like this, at least I know I’ll be okay. The sun will shine and the trees will bloom again.

Maybe the only thing I can do is hope that I’ll be here when they do. 

Maybe life is all about waiting for spring. Spending all of the winter hoping for the day that the sun will shine bright and the air will feel light. The day that the darkness inside you makes room for the hope that’s about to bloom.

Always with love,

Monse xoxo

Today’s tune: