The start of summer makes me incredibly nostalgic. I think of the way it felt to be 11 on the last day of school. The excitement and anticipation that I haven't felt in a long time. Summers in recent years have been about getting through. Enjoying what I could and staying above metaphorical but also sometimes literal water. Sometimes I get a little sad thinking of the summers I wasted. When I was concerned about the way my body looked in a bathing suit. When I watched people live out their teenage dreams through my phone screen.
It’s funny the way summers shift in your lifetime. One summer you’re 10 waiting for the ice cream truck to order a sticky (kind of gross) cherry snow cone. The other you’re 15 attempting to grill a steak with your best friend and her little sister. The next you are 19 feeling so alone in the world. Looking at it now, the ice cream truck no longer comes around. Your best friend lives hundreds of miles away. You still occasionally feel alone.
There is really one explanation for the melancholic feeling, and it's that big scary thing called growing up.
A subject I come to time and time again.
I don’t want to fill you all with more existential dread that I’m sure we both experience on a regular basis. So here is my food for thought:
I decided that I want this summer to be different. I know I can’t change at the drop of a hat. I’m still the anxious (slightly less) introverted girl I’ve always been. You will still find me crying to “Stoned at The Nail Salon” by Lorde. I simply don’t want all the changes going on around me to have another three months of beautiful sunsets swirled with oranges and pinks to go to waste. We only have so many left. But at the same time, we have so many days left to enjoy ourselves. To feel like a giddy little kid in the water. To feel sick and stuffed with gooey smores. Some of my best moments are the ones where I feel like a little kid again. Laughing until my belly feels like it’s going to explode. Sharing a bed and telling stories with my best friends. Playing mermaids with my cousin in the pool.
My hope is that no matter where we are in life. Even if we are so incredibly low that we don’t think we can ever float back up. Or if we are the happiest we think we will ever be.
I hope we have a few moments of joy. Moments to bask in the awe of nature. To bask in the love we have around us or believe that it will someday come around.
Most of all I hope we give ourselves grace. To take in who we are now. We never know if this version of ourselves will experience the same summer ever again.
To enjoy your summer you don’t need a million friends. You don’t need a boat. You don’t need a partner.
I think all you need is hope and a little bit of the beaming sun to light you up again.
(and maybe a good book…)
Always with love,
Monse <3
This post was inspired by my summertime feels and my favorite poem:
*Bonus: My soft summer playlist for your leisure :)